its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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