Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
