My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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