Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
