Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
