pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
