Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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