the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize
