i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
