i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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