He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
