I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
