i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
