i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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