Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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