I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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