So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Never underestimate the power of titties
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
