I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
