My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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