Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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