I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
