and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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