just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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