Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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