I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
