"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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