I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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