true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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