It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
