there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
