I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
