You really coming over, don't trick.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
