I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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