you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
