Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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