after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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