i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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