The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
