My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
