You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
