I think I won the penis lottery.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Randomize
