I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
