A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
