my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
