i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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