I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
