i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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