plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
