Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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