She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
COCAINE IS GR8
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
