i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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