yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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