It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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