those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
