Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
