so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
