I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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