He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
