just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
