do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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